Intro continued...

Well, work is very quiet this afternoon so I'd thought I'd seize the opportunity to continue my introduction. You've been exposed to my introduction into the therapy scene, thanks to Banana Splits.Up until recently, Banana Splits was one of the best therapy experiences I've had! Maybe that's because things are much simpler when we're younger, and as young children, we are so much more decisive. Well, let's back up a bit and I can explain what led to my participation in Banana Splits. My parents separated when I was five - the exact specifics I still don't know. From what I gathered, they had the widely-used excuse of "irreconcilable differences", plus a messy, still loosely defined affair on my father's part, with the woman who is now my step-mother. She's cool, and she and mom seem to have carved out a relationship that works for them. Great. I never thought much of the divorce, hey, it happens, right? Despite some early palpable tension and hurt feelings early on, I think my parents always made an effort to get along in front of us, and put us first. My dad was laid off from his job soon after he and my mom split up, and I don't think I ever gave that time in his life much thought. Not then of course, I was too consumed with my Barbie dolls, coloring, and Trolls to be concerned with my dad's life situation. But thinking about that now, I can't imagine how hard it must have been to essentially start over, in his early thirties, with a six year old daughter and an 18 month old son. Couldn't have been easy at all. I think as kids we see our parents as superhero-like. Formidable walls of strength, there to protect us, comfort us, yell at us, and wipe away our tears. But for those whose marriages fail, who wipes away their tears? Late at night, after they've tucked away their kids on visitation nights, sitting on the sofa in the now empty house (or new apartment), when they are alone with their thoughts and feelings. Regardless of who/what ended my parent's nine year marriage, I often think of who those people were outside of their roles as my mom and dad. Both just barely in their thirties, a marriage over, hurt feelings, two young children, my dad with no job and saddled with child support. Child support that he has paid for the last twenty years for my brother and I - it's no secret he's excited for his last payment next month! But I'm getting off track. Sorry. Typical. I go on tangents. :)

I had a sort of "emotional meltdown" about two years ago now. It's what prompted my return to therapists and their comforting looks and long silences while you sit on the sofa and pour your heart out only to hear "And how did that make you feel?". I had a good job, was seeing a seemingly nice guy (a guy who would later show me how disposable he thought I truly was), and was happy. Well, avoiding some truths (which I'll explain later), but happy. Unfortunately my finances were not so happy. It's a long story, but in a time of desperation, I took some money from my mother with the intention to put the money I took back when I got paid the next week, and she would be none the wiser. Well. That always sounds so good in theory, doesn't it?? Why I didn't just ask, I have no idea. I think on some level, I like to punish myself, and then reward when I do something good. It's almost like having a BDSM relationship with myself. Anyway, she of course found it two days before I was able to put the money back (around $100) and was appropriately LIVID. And I mean LIVID. Called me at work (I was working as a recruiting specialist at a large pharmaceutical company) on fire and yelling, and then hung up on me after fifteen minutes of ranting and I lost it. Complete emotional outpouring ensued. And because I am so used to being the pillar of strength for everyone else, an emotional outpouring of any kind is enough to cripple me, but at work? Luckily my area had a back door where I could excuse myself down the stairs and out the back door without anyone seeing me. And once I was safely in my car in the parking lot, hidden among hundreds of other cars did I fully release those tears. The stress, the disappointment in myself, the trickery and lying, my actions and irresponsibility that ever even got me there. As it were, it was my lowest point in my life, that was completely unavoidable. It's like when someone cheats on their girl/boyfriend/spouse/etc., and knows that the walls and ceiling will come crashing in, but do it anyway. It's an almost out of body experience and you just do. Don't feel. Immature and ridiculous, but it's amazing how many of us do it. Anyway, I ended up going over to my mothers a day or two after we had our phone showdown (which comprised of her screaming and me listening and reminding her I was at my job and had to go), and we talked it out. At that point, I KNEW I had issues from my youth (a whole lot more on that later!), but she came to her own conclusion that all my emotional issues stemmed from the divorce. I have my own theories on where it stemmed from and it's a mix of a lot of different things. But at that moment, she FINALLY let go and was emotional with me, we stood in the garage in the summer evening air, crying so hard we were both shaking and sobbing, and I got that headache you get when you've been crying too hard for too long. She suggested therapy so that I could "get better", and I did. I'm on my third therapist from that time almost two years ago, and it pains me a little to say this, but she pushed me into therapy the first time (a boyfriend did it the second time), and I'm glad I'm here. Even though it's like when you start a new skin care regime - it can get worse before it gets better. I'm in the valley currently, and have high hopes I'll make it to the summit of my journey.